Prolix & Tautology

A while back I chopped down the olive tree in front of my house, even though I’m allergic to the olives and it was a big ass tree that nearly fell on top of me when the wind shifted just as I cut through the trunk. I was glad to suffer through the pain and risk, though. The way I looked at it, each one of those olives that were weighing heavy on that tree’s branches was a potential olive tree in itself, and would eventually add to the local pollen count if it reached maturity.So, I planned on getting them before they got me.

Well, right before I walked outside to start the job I was watching ESPN. They were talking about an athelete who had just gotten arrested for DUI. Like that’s news. Later, when I went inside to get some water, they were talking about a Nascar driver that had gotten pulled over for drunk driving. Not the same athelete from before, but a brand new bag of douche-iness.

This recent upsurge in the number of celebrities getting DUI’s (which reminds me- how surprised can you be about somebody with the last name of Busch being arrested for a DUI?) is quite alarming. Something needs to be done about it.

The problem isn’t so much the self-indulgent, ego-driven nature of the celebrity lifestyle.The root of the problem- the crux of the biscuit, so to speak- is that we have too damn many celebrities.

Anyone can be a celebrity these days.

Anybody.

I think we need to thin out the ‘glitterati’ a wee bit. I know that sounds harsh, but when you look at the direction our Prison Industrial Complex is heading- it won’t be long before sport hunting becomes a way to thin out the burgeoning ‘criminal’ population. A violent solution aimed at a mostly non-violent class of people.

I say, spare the imprisoned souls. Go after the ‘celebutantes’ and ‘celebutards’ instead.Especially the ones with dogs named “Tinkerbell” and shit.

Or anybody who names their kid after a character in “Jungle Book,” say.

Now I know the taking of a human soul is a terrible sin- the worst- but I’m talking about reality show contestants, people who do “Celebrity Rehab” as a career move, and the Hilton sisters. They’re soulless. That should mitigate the sin to merely ‘Venal,’ I’m sure.C’mon, these people have about as much soul as Pat Boone’s version of “Tutti Frutti.”

Speaking of Pat Boone, he’s one of the first out of the chute. Remember that “In A Metal Mood” album he did a few years back? Let’s just say Satan’s pissed, and God’s not taking his phone calls anymore.The way I justify it is this: Just like the potent olive, destined to become a fruitful tree, these celebrities are just seed bearers for a whole new crop of potential misery.However- again just like the olive- if enough pressure is applied to the seed it can produce a handy product that we can actually use.

Just think about it for a while.